The Tears I Cried

I look into his eyes they were as blue as the sky on a summer crisp day.

He spoke, “I did not see you today?”

She answered, “I know. I wanted to come.”

He replied, “You look beautiful. I wish that I could have had an encounter with you.”

Vanessa is an intelligent and beautiful young woman, but she lacks self-confidence. Fear is her friend. Mental and sexual abuse will shred every piece of confidence that you have. Physical abuse is less painful than mental and sexual abuse. The physical scars will soon fade away but thoughts and words will always rewind itself in your mind.

Vanessa was mentally and sexually abused by people she trusted. She did not know she was being abused. It developed into her natural way of life to receive the demands of men who would misuse her at a young age. Vanessa grew up in a single parent home with three siblings. She was birthed with hopes and dreams, but her past kept slithering into her life. Dreaming and writing was her hobby. It was a way of escape from the battle she was having within herself. The excruciating pain and the thoughts of joy that she felt she wrote it down. This was a gift that nobody could rob from her. It birthed power and joy in her. Every day was a battle for Vanessa.

Vanessa cried, “Lord, why is it that I allowed so much pain to happen to me? What was said to me that I did not fight back?”

Vanessa’s innocence was taken away from her when she was a little girl. No one knew the pain that she felt, being molested over and over again by the babysitter’s son, on top of being bullied every day, was horrifying for her. Low self-esteem took rule of her life. Hiding behind others strength was her character. The meeting that Vanessa missed, was with this strong and handsome gentleman who has fallen in love with her. He was drawn to her, but Vanessa constantly avoided him. Her past did not accept him.

He said, “Vanessa, you are making it difficult for me to attain you. Have you thought of a time that we might be able to meet?”

She said hesitantly, “I…I don’t know.”

Vanessa is frightened. Scared of what might happen and might not happen. She has been damaged. She has not allowed herself to heal. It is difficult to heal when you do not face the issues in your past.

He said, “Vanessa, I really care about you. I will like for us to get-together.”

Vanessa replies, “I understand, but I’m not sure.”

He responds, “Sure of what? OK, but remember I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will always be here for you.”

Vanessa held on to those words tightly. She always felt like she was alone. That night she tossed and turned trying to go to sleep. Fighting memories that always seem so alive to her. She wrestled with words such as:

“You are ugly and too skinny.”

“Why don’t you look more like your sister?”

“You will never be nor have anything.”

She did not know her worth or how valuable she was. Her identity became what people called her.

Stupid.

Ugly.

You are not good enough.

Black-Skillet.

Nappy Head.

Vanessa was going through an identity crisis. She wanted to be successful at everything she do, but she did not know how to “BE” it. She attached herself to people who appeared to be effective and powerful to her and allowed their voice to become her voice.

Vanessa responds, “How do I know that I can trust you?  People that I did trust have hurt me many times. They took something from me that was precious. I allowed them to destroy who I was and I can’t get it back. They killed the inner me, my soul.

I trusted them and now look where I am. I’m living in poverty, struggling and trying to make it hour by hour, fighting depression and suicidal thoughts of wanting to abandon myself.  I want to love myself, but I don’t like who I am.  I went through pain, misery, dejection, and men doing all sorts of things to me. Men that took advantage of my innocence and destroyed my whole life with their sickness. They left their fingerprint on me.

My childhood is full of bad memories that I try hard to forget. I trusted someone then and they manipulated me and I refuse to trust anyone now. I just want to be left alone.”

He whispered, “Vanessa, I would like to console you. I understand the pain and hurt you have endured, but weeping only last for a while, your joy will come in the morning.”

Vanessa felt like crawling up under a rock and never reveal herself again. She prayed and cried and prayed and cried again. She remembers the gentleman’s words “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” She asked herself, “How can someone love you that much?”  She contemplated on whether she should give her time to this gentleman.

The gentleman was constantly speaking to her, knocking on her door and asking to come in. Her pain constantly rejected him. He knew what he wanted and persisted.

He said, “Vanessa, Let me love you. Comfort you. Allow me to restore you.”

Her eyes open as he spoke to her pain.

She softly said, “Yes Lord, restore me. I need you. I cannot breathe without you.”

He said, “I am here Vanessa. Devote some time with me, share with me your worries and I will fight your battles for you. There is no need to look back any longer. It is time to move forward. Stop beating yourself up for someone else’s mistakes. Don’t you know that I love you? You are fearfully and wonderfully made in my image and no one can take that from you. I would like you to forgive the individuals that did those horrible things to you and I need you to forgive yourself. Otherwise, you will continue to have hindsight vision and I want you to continue to move forward in life. Vanessa you are an over comer and you are strong. You are victorious.

Vanessa I want you to look in the mirror and tell me what do you see?”

She replied, “I…I see sadness and brokenness. A scared little girl.”

He said, “Vanessa look to the hills from whence cometh your help, I am the hills. I desire for you to just sit at my feet and I will heal you.”

Vanessa cried, and she cried uncontrollably; worshiping the father at his feet. She undeniably poured her heart out to him, pleading for forgiveness and asking him to exchange her pain for healing.

Vanessa prays, “Please forgive me for not trusting in you. I am so sorry. Take this pain from me and allow the spirit of joy to overflow in me. Mold me to be beautiful inside and out. Cleanse me and take the spirit of anger and rejection out of me and give me the spirit of peace and a sound mind. Fill me with love and kindness. I want to look more like you each and every day of my life. I do not want to battle with this pain anymore. I give to you all my pain, sorrow, and heartache. I give it to you. I don’t want it anymore.  I just want to be free. Free from pain and misery. Free from gloominess and sadness. I just want to be free and content in you. I will no longer live in discomfort and misery, but liberty in you is all I want and need. Lord, thank you for being my friend. I want more of you. Thank you, Lord, for freedom.”

He responds, “Vanessa, if you will only recognize how much I love you. I died on the cross just for you. I carried the cross so you can realize that you have strength to endure. I open blinded eyes so you can see spiritually. I healed the deaf so you will be able to hear the instructions I have for your life. I made the lame to walk letting you know that you have the victory continuously. I raised the dead so you will not have to live in the past no more. I walked this earth just so you can understand how to overcome the trials of this world. I became your example. I want you to know that you are more than a conqueror. If you did not go through any trials and temptations of this world you could not experience being more than a conqueror. The trials and test you are going through and the key word is through, are not there to kill you. It is there to strengthen you and give you spiritual muscles.

I went through rejection, pain, was talked about, lied on and cheated to let you know the enemies are your footstools to help you get over. I even allowed them to nail me to the cross. They nailed my hands and feet to the cross. They also pierced me in the side and put thorns in my head, but I prayed to my father to forgive them because they “no not” what they are doing; just like I want you to do. Satan meant it for evil but I meant it for good.  See, there is one thing that the enemy did not realize. That in three days I will rise again.

RISE WITH POWER

RISE WITH AUTHORITY

RISE WITH VICTORY

So, stand Vanessa. You have the victory. You have the authority. I was there with you all of the time. I am the one who made sure you did not lose your mind. I am the one that protected and prevented you from having the thoughts of killing someone. I am the one who covered you with the blood when you were committing promiscuity.  I’m the one that filled you with my love when you felt all alone. I am the one who stood by you and with you when you felt like nobody cared. I’ve seen you, when you took all of those pills and tried to commit suicide. I’ve seen what they did to you, but yet I said live and not die. I saw when you ran away from home trying to run away from your problems. I’m the one who covered you with grace and mercies every morning.”

Vanessa said, “Lord, if you’ve seen these things why did you allow it to happen to me?”

He replied, “Vanessa, do not be surprised at the painful trials you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. Trials and test come to make you strong and it builds character in you. I knew you were a winner when I created you. The first time I saw your smile it illuminated me. When I hear your voice it is music to my ears. I knew you had the capacity to handle the trial. I also knew that along your walk of life that you were going to run into men, women, and children from all walks of life that need your testimony. I knew these people needed you, Vanessa. I created you for this very moment. They need someone who would stand up for them. Pray for them without ceasing. They need someone who would war for them in the spirit. You are there lifeline. Someone who has the capability to run the race without getting weary and I saw that in you. The problem was you did not see that in yourself. I predestined you to be a soldier. Just when you thought it was getting worse it was getting better. I knew you would come out with your hands up surrendering all to me. See, this trial is not about you it is about you simply saying yes to me. It is about you trusting and relying on me again. You are the love of my life and I created you for greatness.”

Vanessa cries, “My Lord, you are my Rose Of Sharon. When I am low you are my Lily Of The Valley. When I get weary I find Rest in You. When the enemy is all around me you are my shield and buckler. Thank you, Lord, for reviving me with your love. Your word is a banner over my life.”

Vanessa realized that this gentleman was all that she needed. Her life was complete in His presence. Vanessa overcame one of the biggest obstacles in her life and she devoted her entire life to her Lord. They spent time with each other on a daily basis. Their communication was strong and clear. Their devotion to each other was the air they breathed.

Written by Nikki L. Davis 

Luv U First-xoxox

 Devotions: Song of Solomon 2:1  John 19  Romans 8:37  Acts 5:31  Matt. 18:21  Luke 17:4  John 4:24  Luke 7:37

James 1  Psalms 139

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